


Dear Patron

by Selden



Category: Original Work
Genre: F/F, mild implied eldritch abominations, mild implied gore, misuse of library books
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-18
Updated: 2018-02-18
Packaged: 2019-03-20 19:05:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13724076
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Selden/pseuds/Selden
Summary: The following items have not been returned despite previous reminders and this may affect your borrowing privileges. Fines may be accruing. Please return or renew them as soon as possible. You can renew items and view your potential or actual fines (if applicable) by signing on to ECHOLAND (accessible via internet, Summoning circle, or blood ritual) and selecting My Account.





	Dear Patron

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Prinzenhasserin](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Prinzenhasserin/gifts).



Dear Patron No. 54327

The following items have not been returned despite previous reminders and this may affect your borrowing privileges. Fines may be accruing. Please return or renew them as soon as possible. You can renew items and view your potential or actual fines (if applicable) by signing on to ECHOLAND (accessible via internet, Summoning circle, or blood ritual) and selecting My Account.

If you need any help, please contact the library, or conjure the Word-Teeth of Angrimor (a sacrifice may be required).

 

Your current loans:

BLOODMONGER, Keven:   The Hellspit Grimoire

GRIMSHANK, Emerald:      Advanced Necromancy

GRIEF, Shirin:                    Oops, They Ate My Head! When Summoning Goes Wrong

BLUFFSTORM, Thomas:     The Heart of a Rake: A Regency Romance

ABYSS, The Whispering:     We Are Waiting

 

Regards,

The Irma Purbright Library.

 

\--

 

Dear Irma Purbright Library,

Please accept my apologies for this delay. I’ll get the books back to you as soon as possible, but in the meantime I wonder if you could let me renew them just once more. I would never ask this under normal circumstances, but I’m afraid that without my continued access to these particular books the consequences for the universe might be quite dire! I’ll pay whatever fines you require.

Regards,

W. Visrah

(Patron No. 54327)

 

\--

 

Dear Patron No. 54327,

Patrons are not permitted to exceed three (3) renewals, except in cases of time-loop. Please return your items as soon as possible. If you have difficulty accessing the library in person or are not physically present in this dimension, it is your responsibility to make alternate arrangements for the return of your items. Royal Mail, interdimensional portal, and blood ritual are all acceptable.

If you need any help, please contact the library, or conjure the Word-Teeth of Angrimor (a sacrifice may be required).

 

Your current loans:

BLOODMONGER, Keven:   The Hellspit Grimoire

GRIMSHANK, Emerald:      Advanced Necromancy

GRIEF, Shirin:                    Oops, They Ate My Head! When Summoning Goes Wrong

BLUFFSTORM, Thomas:     The Heart of a Rake: A Regency Romance

ABYSS, The Whispering:     We Are Waiting For You

 

Regards,

The Irma Purbright Library.

 

\--

 

Dear Irma Purbright Library,

Further to your previous message, I’ve returned the three books I can most easily spare. Hopefully I copied all the relevant passages! But I’m afraid I really do need the other two in order to preserve the integrity of the space-time continuum. I can guarantee that they won’t be harmed in any way. One more renewal would make all the difference.

Also, I’m not sure if you’re the relevant person to contact about this, but I tried conjuring the Word-Teeth of Angrimor and they just ate my little finger (the left one) without offering any specific guidance? I realise I’m technically in violation of library rules, but I’m ready to work in good faith to find a solution that involves both the return of the books in question asap and the continued existence of the universe as we know it. Loosing body parts is not actually helpful in realising either of those aims! And I think I can still hear the Word-Teeth talking, really quietly, somewhere close behind me? I have to say, I’m not that impressed with this aspect of your customer service. But perhaps this would be better addressed to your complaints department, if you’d like to give me their details (I’m afraid I couldn’t find any on your website or in the ECHOLAND FAQ).

Thank you for your patience,

W. Visrah

(Patron No. 54327)

 

\--

 

Dear Patron No. 54327,

Patrons are not permitted to exceed three (3) renewals, except in cases of time-loop. Please return your remaining items as soon as possible. It also seems relevant to draw your attention to the fact that you have returned two (2) of your items, not three (3). In addition, one of the items you have returned (BLOODMONGER, Keven: The Hellspit Grimoire) has suffered some – admittedly minor – damage to the page edges. The Library takes a very dim view of this kind of thing: further damage to our volumes may result in the revocation of borrowing or membership privileges altogether.

In reference to your interaction with the Word-Teeth of Angrimor, there is no complaints department. There is only me. As such, may I draw your attention to the disclaimer in our original description of this resource: **a sacrifice may be required**. Also, the Word-Teeth do not talk quietly behind anyone’s back; they howl. I suggest you seek an alternative explanation for the phenomenon you describe.

 

Your current loans:

GRIEF, Shirin:                     Oops, They Ate My Head! When Summoning Goes Wrong

BLUFFSTORM, Thomas:      The Heart of a Rake: A Regency Romance

ABYSS, The Whispering:     We Are Waiting For You, Winifred Visrah

 

Regards,

The Irma Purbright Library.

 

\--

 

Dear Irma Purbright Library,

Thank you for getting back to me so promptly. I should say first of all that I am very sorry about any stains on the Kevin Bloodmonger Grimoire: I didn’t notice them when I was sending the books back through the portal, but I did have the books close at hand when I summoned the Word-Teeth of Angrimor. I’m afraid it is possible that some blood-splatter may have reached them, especially as I did move around a bit while the Word-Teeth were eating my finger. I will of course pay any necessary fees for repair / replacement.

Regarding your response to my question about the Word-Teeth: I’m a little surprised that the library doesn’t have a dedicated complaints department! That must make quite a lot of extra work for you, I’d imagine. I’d like to make it quite clear that I did indeed read the disclaimer, and would be much less dissatisfied about the Word-Teeth’s response if they had provided any sort of guidance about my book-renewal quandary. Instead, they just ate my finger without, as I recall, so much as a howl.

I must however admit that you were correct that they are likely not the cause of the quiet voices I keep hearing behind my back. I think I’ve identified the source of that problem, actually.

On a related note, I’m quite certain that I did return the work by The Whispering Abyss, although on reflection I’m not sure I can remember borrowing it in the first place. Repeated attempts to send it back through my usual portal have been unsuccessful. I’m also a little concerned about the changes in the title, not to mention the whispering. Frankly, this seems like another one for your complaints department, but as it is, I would be grateful if you could offer some advice.

I’m afraid the fate of the universe does still rest on my continued access to the other books I have on loan. I also do feel it incumbent on me to point out that I really do mean THE FATE OF THE UNIVERSE. I have mentioned this factor in earlier messages, to no apparent avail. But it does seem more or less the definition of exceptional circumstances!

Regards,

W. Visrah

(Patron No. 54327)

 

\--

 

Dear Patron No. 54327,

The damage sustained by BLOODMONGER, Keven: The Hellspit Grimoire was not bloodstains: our enchantments remove all extraneous organic material from returned items. I was referring to your use of sticky tabs: one (1) remaining in the volume, and further close examination revealing faint traces where other tabs had been removed. The Library strictly forbids the use of adhesive markers of any kind: as previously mentioned, further damage to our volumes may result in the revocation of borrowing or membership privileges altogether.

In reference to the Word-Teeth of Angrimor, it seems evident that they had no advice to offer (presumably they felt that indicating you should return the items in question would be redundant). As such, I think we can consider this matter closed.

Our records indicate that the presence among your borrowed items of ABYSS, The Whispering, ‘We Are Waiting For You, Winifred Visrah, With Open Mouths’, is in point of fact a standard IRONIC CURSE. These are incurred when patrons violate library rules in such a way as to cause damage (actual or potential) to the space-time continuum. If you return your outstanding loans the situation should resolve itself. If not, you will be devoured, soul-first.

I am unable to offer any guidance on the fate of the universe; this does not fall within the library’s purview. It also has no bearing on the overdue status of your borrowed items. As should be clear from previous communications, patrons are not permitted to exceed three (3) renewals, except in cases of time-loop.

 

Your current loans:

GRIEF, Shirin:                     Oops, They Ate My Head! When Summoning Goes Wrong

BLUFFSTORM, Thomas:      The Heart of a Rake: A Regency Romance

ABYSS, The Whispering:     We Are Waiting For You, Winifred Visrah, With Open Mouths, and sharp teeth

 

Regards,

The Irma Purbright Library.

 

\--

 

Dear Irma Purbright Library,

Well, I tried the time-loop work-around! (Spoiler: it didn’t work.)

I hope you’ll excuse my relative informality: I feel as if I know you much better now that I’ve been to the library so many times (you _are_ the woman at the front desk, with the amazing tattoos across your face, right? I’m rather enamoured of the way they’re always different every time!). I know you won’t remember any of our encounters (not entirely a bad thing, I suppose. That basket of muffins was what one might describe as a debacle), but we actually got on very well, after a few rocky starts. We had some pretty good conversations about our favourite books, and suchlike – I’d rather like to try again in the normal timeline, if the universe doesn’t end.

Speaking of which: I know you said there was a renewals exemption in cases of time-loop, and indeed you were always very accommodating once you’d run your tests and identified me as temporally displaced (Gosh. Those tests were fairly memorable – at least for me). But I didn’t seem to be able to solve the fate of the universe problem from within the time-loop, and as soon as I ended it (with some difficulty, I might add), things were worse than ever. I mean, Cleveland just disappeared. Cleveland!

All my investigations indicate that things came unstuck, so to speak, after I borrowed the books in question (excluding, of course, the work by The Whispering Abyss). But nothing I did with the books was particularly untoward (though it was a little embarrassing, I’ll admit that much). I promise I only used sticky tabs on one of them!

Please, Irma. I would really appreciate your help.

Regards,

Winifred

(Patron No. 54327)

 

\--

 

Dear Patron No. 54327,

As librarian (among other duties), I am always fully cognizant of events which take place within library-adjacent time-loops. Rest assured, I remember all about the muffins.

That being said, I must remind you that the fate of the universe does not fall within the library’s purview, and that, within a linear timeline, patrons – however charming - are not permitted to exceed three (3) renewals. May I suggest that you let the fate of the universe go hang? There have been many universes. There will always be an Irma Purbright library.

Also, if I may be permitted a personal observation – I would have expected better from such a knowledgeable reader of the works of Thomas Bluffstorm. The hero of _The Heart of a Rake_ would not allow his library books to become overdue!

Your current loans:

 

GRIEF, Shirin:                     Oops, They Ate My Head! When Summoning Goes Wrong

BLUFFSTORM, Thomas:      The Heart of a Rake: A Regency Romance

ABYSS, The Whispering:     We Are Waiting For You, Winifred Visrah, With Open Mouths, and sharp teeth in our hearts

 

Regards,

The Irma Purbright Library.

 

\--

 

Dear Irma,

IT’S THOMAS BLUFFSTORM WHO CAUSED THE PROBLEM IN THE FIRST PLACE!

Apologies for my vehemence, but I can’t think of any other reason (also, the whispering is now constant. It’s rather unnerving).

Anyway, as I say it’s a bit embarrassing, because goodness knows that no-one’s going to be acclaiming the Bluffstorm books as great literature any time soon, but I’m afraid I strongly suspect that it’s my fondness for his works which is causing the universe as we know it to unravel. You see, _The Heart of a Rake_ is the last volume in Bluffstorm’s ‘Regency Romance’ series, and it remained unfinished on the author’s death.

As you are no doubt aware, the consequences of a mismanaged Summoning can be severe –more so according to the power of the Summoner (and, as my dear papa would say, I do of course put quite a bit of welly into it). But Bluffstorm seemed quite uncomplicatedly deceased, and I couldn’t imagine he’d object to being called up and given the chance to finish his life’s work. (Not to mention, I confess I dearly wanted to know whether the arrogant Duke of Duchester would succeed in winning the heart of the stern but troubled curate of his local church. It sounds silly, but I promise you that Bluffstorm’s books are really quite absorbing, and very well executed for what they are!)

Anyway, suffice it to say that I am still wondering _vis a vis_ the Duke of Duchester. The Summoning was a disaster, and I fear we may all pay the price. Needless to say, I would still be grateful for any advice – and I must confess to a degree of professional interest in the terms with which you refer to the library. _Have_ there been many universes?

(I must also add that I find myself vastly relieved that you do indeed remember our encounters – even if some of them _were_ on the mortifying side! I would be very willing, as I say, to pick up, so to speak, where we left off.)

Yours,

Winifred

(Patron No. 54327)

 

\--

 

Dear Irma,

It’s been some days. Did you receive my last communication?

Winifred

(Patron No. 54327)

 

\--

 

Dear Patron No. 54327,

Your Summoning was unsuccessful because Thomas Bluffstorm is not dead.

I am Thomas Bluffstorm; or, I should rather say, ‘Thomas Bluffstorm’ is my _nom de plume_.

I do not think there is any need for further communications on this matter. Please return your borrowed items at your earliest convenience. Fines are now accruing.

 

Your current loans:

GRIEF, Shirin:                     Oops, They Ate My Head! When Summoning Goes Wrong

BLUFFSTORM, Thomas:      The Heart of a Rake: A Regency Romance

ABYSS, The Whispering:     We Are Waiting For You, Winifred Visrah, With Open Mouths, and sharp teeth in our hearts. How sweet you’ll taste

 

Regards,

The Irma Purbright Library.

 

\--

 

Dear Irma,

I have evidently offended you, and I am very sorry indeed. I can imagine that my careless words about the Thomas Bluffstorm books would not be well received by the author.

Since I cannot expect you to read the rest of this letter, let me say now that my love for your books is profound and unfeigned. They have given me immense pleasure, and affected me more deeply than I had perhaps realised until today. Thank you for writing them.

Now, if I may be permitted to say a word in my defence, I can only admit that I’ve grown accustomed, in my decades as Headwitch of earth, to maintaining a certain level of dignity in my public persona. This was of particular importance when I first took office in 1918 – as you may recall, there had not been a Headwitch (as opposed to a Headwizard!) for over three millennia. Revealing my fondness for certain kinds of literature would not have been well received – indeed, it would have been politically disastrous. I must note that it was also the source of considerable private shame – it is only in recent decades that I have been willing to indulge my liking for ‘romance’ literature in the relatively public environment of a library.

In any case, now that I am aware of the reason my Summoning went awry, I can take steps to rectify the situation. Please be aware that there may be some ontological instability as certain entities (for instance, Cleveland) are returned to our current reality.

Please accept my thanks for your part in enabling the continuing existence of the universe.

Yours, with regret,

Winifred

(Patron No. 54327)

 

\--

 

Dear Irma,

Please find two of my borrowed items attached (portal 82B; Bluffstorm and Grief). I will of course pay any relevant fines.

Further to my last communication, I am pleased to be able to let you know that the results of my botched Summoning have been resolved. The universe is no longer in danger; indeed, even Cleveland has been recovered, largely intact.

Thank you for your assistance in resolving this matter.

One further question: the whispering has not, so far, abated. I was given to understand that once I repaired the space-time continuum and returned my borrowed items, The Whispering Abyss would no longer, so to speak, take an interest. However, I find myself still unable to return the work in question. Was I mistaken in this assumption?

Yours,

Winifred

(Patron No. 54327)

 

\--

 

Dear Irma,

I know this follows rather quickly on the heels of my last communication, but I find myself with some things I feel I need to say. Especially as the whispering is getting louder.

I have no idea what could have caused you to retire the Bluffstorm persona before finishing _The Heart of a Rake_ , but rest assured – well. You already know how eager this reader is for a conclusion. No doubt you have your reasons for withholding one.

As a further proof – of sincerity, investment, or foolishness; you be the judge – I attach my own amateurish attempt to write a conclusion to the narrative of Percy St John Armitage, duke of Duchester, and the would-be Reverend Earnest Whymper. I am afraid my conclusion to their romance is insufficient in the extreme – hence my ill-judged attempt to Summon ‘Thomas Bluffstorm’ - and I am painfully aware that you may well take my encroachment on the authorial prerogative very ill indeed. ~~I just hope~~

However, I suspect that I now have very little left to lose. I believe that the continued presence of The Whispering Abyss is an indication that the library is still angry with me. Am I wrong?

With no expectation of a reply,

Winifred

(Patron No. 54327)

 

\--

 

Winifred,

Yes, I am still angry with you. As you correctly surmise, I am, in several senses, the Irma Purbright Library itself. It is this ‘sacrifice’ (to use an imprecise term) of a human soul which permits the Library its remarkable resilience throughout the many vagaries of the space-time continuum.

(I should perhaps note that your elevation as Headwitch was one of my main sources of inspiration for founding the Library, which as you know has as its central aim the recovery of the lost work of witches from previous centuries. It is possible that this may have made my reaction to your patronising references to my creative work more extreme than would otherwise have been the case.)

(It also means that I am quite well aware of the social and political climate you describe. Why do you think I published pseudonymously?)

(The reason I stopped publishing and retired good old Thomas Bluffstorm was that fashions changed and people stopped reading. Except you, apparently.)

In any case, I am forced to admit that you are being too hard on yourself with regard to your completion of my narrative. Although I would query your treatment of a number of plotlines (you appear to have let the B-plot of undergardener Jacob and wastrel Alfred Wallop fall completely by the wayside, for instance?), I must confess that the general outline of the conclusion you give to Percy and Earnest is very much in line with my intentions.

(You do, however, rush the erotic _denouement_ , and include several anatomical impossibilities – a common failing among inexperienced authors!)

If you were to return to the Library (which, of course, I cannot readily leave), we could perhaps discuss matters in more detail.

 

Your current loans:

ABYSS, The Whispering:       We Are Waiting For You, Winifred Visrah, With Open Mouths, and sharp teeth in our hearts. How sweet you’ll taste inside our many throats. How we’ll enjoy sucking your childhood dry, and then your youth. Your womanhood, and all those years you stole through magic from the grasp of death. You’ll make us strong enough to

 

Yours,

Irma Purbright.

 

\--

 

Dear Irma,

I just wanted to let you know how very much I enjoyed my visit the other day. I’ve been working on the manuscript ever since – I can’t wait to read your additions. (I’m particularly eager to see what you make of the steamier scenes!)

You may also be interested to know that the whispering has stopped, and the volume written by The Whispering Abyss (such an unassuming paperback!) is nowhere to be found.

Dare I imagine that the Library is no longer quite so angry with me?

 

Yours,

Winifred

 

\--

 

Dear Winifred,

You are correct. I can acknowledge receipt of ABYSS, The Whispering, 'We Are Waiting For You', etc etc. You may rest assured that you are no longer in any danger of being devoured soul-first.

I attach a couple of new chapters for your perusal. Let me know what you think about the new direction for Jacob and Alfred in particular. I must admit that you had a point about Jacob getting a bit of a raw deal (so to speak)!

On a related note, I must remind you that there is still the matter of outstanding fines.

Yours,

Irma

 

\--

 

Dear Irma,

Well, that’s a relief. I was afraid I was going to have to take drastic measures! (Re-growing my little finger was bad enough; I don’t like to think about the practicalities of re-growing a soul.)

I attach annotated versions of the chapters you sent – I can’t tell you how much I prefer the new versions! I’m perfectly happy for Alfred to be a bit of a villain, but not a cad, if you see what I mean?

I remain perfectly happy to pay the required fines. Might I suggest they take the form of a few more ‘tests’ to make sure I haven’t got myself into a time-loop again? This time around, I can assure you I would have even fewer quibbles about the ‘required state of undress’.

(I am of course open to other suggestions.)

(One other possibility which has recently occurred – not so much in relation to fines- at some point my tenure as Headwitch will come to a close (I already have a successor in mind. That nice girl from Mali who solved the Argentinian dragon problem some years back). At such a time, I have no intention of dying, or of relinquishing any of the power I have accrued. As such, there will be plenty of powerful individuals and institutions (for instance, death), out for my head. Since I now have first-hand experience of the Library’s formidable defence mechanisms, and since the Library seems to me to be in need of some kind of outreach librarian, the better to gather material on your forays into the past, alternate timelines, etc etc – might I suggest that there is the possibility for us to come to a mutually beneficial arrangement?)

Yours, in anticipation,

Winifred

 

\--

 

Dear Winifred,

With regards to your suggestion regarding the ‘mutually beneficial arrangement’, I will take it under consideration. You understand I would require some guarantees, likely including a blood ritual and a legally binding contract?

With regards to your suggestion for the payment of your outstanding fines … _get over here right this minute_. The Library is ready to see to you.

Yours,

Irma

 

PS – I meant it. Get here _right now_.

 

 


End file.
